The lost Gospel of Thomas

Jesus realized two brothers were following him around.

“What do you want?” he asked.

“Rabbi, where are you staying?”

Come and see,” he said. It was exactly four twenty in the afternoon when they went with him, and received a massive dose of cannabis oil, after which they remained with Jesus for the rest of the day.

Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, was one of those who’d heard what John said and looked for Jesus. He went to find his brother, Simon, “We have to check out this so-called holy anointing oil that John and his cousin Jesus are saying has been intentionally written out-of-history, although it’s supposed to be the real story behind the burning bush, and if you can believe that, the moon is made of cheese and I got a bridge to sell you in Galilee.”

Then Andrew brought Simon to meet Jesus. Looking intently at Simon, Jesus said, “Your name is Simon, son of John—but you will be called Peter. The next day Jesus decided to go to Galilee. He found Philip and said to him, “Come, follow me.” Philip was from Bethsaida, Andrew and Peter’s hometown.

Philip went to look for Nathanael and told him, “We got this supposedly magic oil from this truther.”

“Truther!!” exclaimed Nathanael. “Can anything good come from a truther?”

“Come and see for yourself,” Philip replied.

As they approached, Jesus said, “Now here is a genuine son of Israel—a man of complete integrity.” “How do you know about me?” Nathanael asked.

Jesus replied, “I could see you under the fig tree before Philip found you.”

Then Nathanael exclaimed, “Rabbi, I like your style!”

Jesus asked him, “Do you like me because I told you I had seen you under the fig tree? You will like much greater things than that after you take a massive hit off this oil and milk mixture. Sit next to the oil lamp while I pour this anointing oil on your head and then tell me if you feel the power of the lord upon you.”