Guns for Kids: A Modest Proposal


With four million assault weapons already on the streets, I’m afraid it’s too late to disarm and we need to move forward confident in the reality gun violence is only going to increase in our lifetimes.

Consequently, it’s time to rethink our approach and take a more offensive position.

If every person in America deserves the right to bear arms, as guaranteed by the Constitution, why leave our most vulnerable unprotected? Isn’t it about time we allowed children to carry weapons so they too can defend themselves?

People would certainly think twice about shooting up a school if they knew the majority of kids inside were already dressed in flak suits with fully automatic weapons within reach.

And that’s really the problem. We need more firepower. The solution is more guns in the hands of younger citizens. And I mean really good guns, fully automatic assault weapons, the sort that sell for between $10,000 and $30,000. You might be surprised at that price, but fully automatic weapons are banned, so the only ones in service are dated from the 1980s or earlier. Of course, anyone can buy one of these at a gun show and avoid the messy background check. But dammit, it’s still illegal for anyone under 21 to buy a fully automatic assault weapon, even at a gun show, where they can’t even track your purchase! This law needs to be changed asap! If a ten-year-old wants a fully automatic assault weapon, and has the $10,000 to spend, then, by god, the Constitution protects that right. We also need a tax incentive and special loan program to help insure every kid in America can realize the dream of owning a fully automatic weapon.

Most of the crazies out there are not carrying fully automatic guns as they don’t have $10,000 to burn, thank god. Which means, if you have a fully automatic assault weapon (and wear the proper gear) you have a very good chance of blowing those crazies away while taking a minimum amount of incoming fire. If you’re on the right, the danger is obviously coming from a total breakdown of society, something that didn’t happen in Germany when their currency collapsed, but is to be expected in America because we love apocalyptic thinking. And, of course, if you’re on the left, the danger is coming from the government itself. Of course, the government could just kill us with vaccines, chemtrails, modified foods, toxic pills, but we know the real danger is going to come when they storm our homes with SWAT teams because someone in the house posted some info about 9/11 on the internet.

The whole point is we need to be better armed, not disarmed. So wake up America and start taking your kids to the shooting range and training them for the future. The more violence pornography, whether through video games, or just films and TV, the better. Prepare your kids for that inevitable day when they engage in their first firefight. And never let them leave the house without a vest, helmet and fully automatic weapon, preferably locked and loaded with the safety off in case of sudden emergencies.